EEBA Endorses Jon Hopkins, Esquire for Lake County DA

Jon Hop­kins, Esquire

Today the Bored Gov­er­nors of the Evil Esquire Bar Asso­ci­a­tion (the “EEBA”) announced their for­mal endorse­ment of Jon E. Hop­kins, Esquire (age 63) a/k/a Hop­pie for Lake County Cal­i­for­nia Dis­trict Attor­ney.

Our endorse­ment action is pre­cip­i­tated by sev­eral events that, sub­se­quent to cit­i­zens’ and the media’s under­min­ing of Hoppie’s deft appli­ca­tion of the doc­trine of pros­e­cu­to­r­ial indis­cre­tion, result­ing in his los­ing the Bis­marck Dinius case, lead us to believe he may be waf­fling on seek­ing a sec­ond term as Lake County dis­trict attor­ney.

Imme­di­ately fol­low­ing Dinius’ acquit­tal of manslaugh­ter charges, fright­ened irri­tated agi­tated angry Lake County res­i­dents began rum­bling about wast­ing tax­payer funds to mount a drive to recall Hop­pie, who ran unop­posed, in 2006. This indig­nant chat­ter was mis­in­ter­preted by Lake­port attor­neys Doug Rhodes (age 56) and Don Ander­son (age 57) as a call for regime change and both recently (ed: and unwisely) announced their inten­tions to oppose Hop­pie at the polls.

Rhodes, has pub­licly stated that, if elected, he will not “waste” pros­e­cu­to­r­ial resources on “minor crimes,” which, accord­ing to out­raged EEBA Bored mem­ber, Robert Kar­dashian, Esquire,

is in clear con­tra­ven­tion to the mod­ern pro­gres­sive pros­e­cu­to­r­ial pro­to­col of over­charg­ing crim­i­nal defen­dants in order to stir media frenzy and cause them to hire expen­sive attor­neys. Who will enter­tain the pub­lic? The Lake County Dia­monds Band?

To add insult to injury, both Rhodes and Ander­son are promis­ing to plea bar­gain cases rather than forc­ing them to go to trial—a long­stand­ing pol­icy of the Hop­kins / Mitchell regime. Regard­ing this fool­ish­ness, EEBA Bored mem­ber Barry Levin commented:

Robert Frost cor­rectly observed that ‘[a] jury con­sists of twelve per­sons cho­sen to decide who has the bet­ter lawyer.’ If there are fewer crim­i­nal tri­als in Lake County, arrested bystanders and acci­dent vic­tims will be con­fused as to who they should turn to. That’s cer­tainly not in the public’s interest.

“Plea bar­gains ben­e­fit no one except the accused” observed EEBA Bored mem­ber Melvin Belli, Esquire.

Tax­pay­ers pay good money to see their wheels of jus­tice turn and there is no greater the­ater than the court­room; par­tic­u­larly when the defendant’s free­dom is at stake.

EEBA Bored mem­ber, Jack Fer­nan­dez, Esquire, who rep­re­sented deposed Pana­man­ian nar­cotics traf­ficker and dic­ta­tor, Manuel Nor­iega, impris­oned after his ouster in 1990 by fanat­i­cal Amer­ica war­lord, Pre­mier Bush the First, put it more pithily,

Rhodes and Ander­son are out of their minds! Lawyers are reel­ing from the reces­sion not to men­tion over­pop­u­la­tion due, in part, to the State Bar’s refusal to impose sanc­tions against offend­ers of the Rules of Pro­fes­sional con­duct and risk los­ing them to the EEBA. Increas­ing plea bar­gains would only serve to take money out of the pock­ets of lawyers at a time when they need it most.

Rhodes’ and Anderson’s plat­forms are not only reck­less, they’re trea­so­nous. El Rey le gusta la traición, pero no el traidor! (The King likes treach­ery, but not the traitor)

Dire au revoir à la cour­toisie professionnelle.…

The EEBA’s Emanuel Heller, Esquire had this to say in sup­port of Hoppie’s pur­suit of a sec­ond term:

Through his pros­e­cu­tions, Hop­pie has cleared the conscious’ of many inno­cent defen­dants. After all, vic­tims and bystanders really don’t know whether they’ve com­mit­ted a crime until a jury acquits them. The right to know whether you are guilty is inher­ent in the Con­sti­tu­tion. A clear con­scious is price­less! In this respect, Hop­pie is the human­i­tar­i­ans’ choice.

Respond­ing to his col­leagues com­ments, fol­low­ing the EEBA Bored’s unan­i­mous vote, approv­ing Hoppie’s endorse­ment, John­nie Chochran, Esquire had the fol­low­ing to say:

My learned col­leagues, your rea­son­ing is sound, yet you over­look the fun­da­men­tal qual­ity that most dis­tin­guishes these can­di­dates— their hair.

Hop­pie has per­fect hair! Com­pare for your­selves [Rhodes] [Ander­son].  And if you’re in doubt as to the impor­tance of per­fect hair, note that Mar­cia Clark is no longer employed by the Los Ange­les Dis­trict Attorney.

In sup­port of Hoppie’s can­di­dacy, the EEBA has com­mis­sioned ACORN to assist with the reg­is­tra­tion of Lake County vot­ers. Their Lake County oper­a­tions cen­ter will be based in Sher­riff Rod­ney K. Mitchell’s morgue.

Notes of encour­age­ment and cash dona­tions should be sent to:

Jon Edwin Hop­kins, Esquire
Lake County Dis­trict Attor­ney
255 North Forbes Street
Lake­port, CA 95453

To assist the EEBA to dis­cour­age Rhodes and Ander­son from chal­leng­ing Hop­pie, address your scathing let­ters to them at the fol­low­ing addresses:

Don­ald Arthur Ander­son, Esquire
Post Office Box 219
Lake­port, CA 95453
+1 (707) 263‑1775

Dou­glas Edward Rhoades, Esquire
Post Office Box 36
200 North Main Street
Lake­port, CA 95453
+1 (707) 263‑7848
+1 (707) 263‑6691
Email: attor­ney @ lakelaw.net

To con­tribute to the North­ern Cal­i­for­nia Lawyers Fund Bis­marck Dinius Defense Fund, make your checks out to to Bis­marck Dinius with “Bis­marck Dinius Defense Fund” in the memo sec­tion and send them to:

Sierra Cen­tral Credit Union
Attn: Brian Fox­wor­thy, Branch Man­ager
306 North Sun­rise Avenue
Roseville, Cal­i­for­nia 95661