650, 649, 648,…639 Lawyer Law Firm 4 Sale

We’re an inter­na­tional law firm head­quar­tered in San Francisco with offices in Silicon Valley, Hong Kong, Seattle, Los Angeles, Anchorage, Singapore (near the equa­tor), Washington, D.C., San Diego, New York City, Madison, Wisconsin, Bejing (where the Olympics were held), London (where the next Olympics are going to be held), and Shangahi (China I think).

We spe­cial­ize in: Antitrust & Trade Regulation, Appeals & Litigation Strategy, Asia, Capital Markets, Compensation & Benefits, Consumer Litigation– i.e., ambu­lance chasin’, Corporate Governance & Chaos, Corporate Securities, Debt Finance, Energy, Energy & Clean Technologies, Environmental Litigation & Counseling, FDA, Hospitality, Information Technology and Electronic Identity Theft, Insurance Recovery, Intellectual Property Litigation, Intellectual Property Transactions, International Law, International Arbitration & ADR—more fees cause we always go to court , Labor & Employment & Unemployment, Life Sciences, Mergers & Acquisitions, Money-laundering, Patents & Trademarks but not copy­rights, Private Equity & Fund Formation & Deformation, Product Liability, Project Finance, Real Estate, Restructuring & Insolvency, Securities Litigation, Structured Finance, Unstructured Finance, Tax Law, Taxi Law, Venture Law, Wealth Management— once we’ve got your money, White Collar Criminal Defense and that sorta stuff.

Besides the fact a buyer would get [639], A+ per­son­al­ity lawyers to join their TEAM, we’re rec­og­nized as one of the pre­em­i­nent breed­ing grounds for TOP lawyers look­ing to move to TOP law firms like Orrick, Milbank, Goodwin Proctor, etcetera. Just in the last year or so those firms and oth­ers have cherry picked hired over thirty top earn­ing Heller Ehrman part­ners. “Whoops! Cecilia do you have any Whiteout? I for­got I wasn’t sup­posed to men­tion the name of the firm in the ad. Thanks sweetie…”

We give heav­ily to the Democrat party (go Osama!!) and so we have many polit­i­cal favors a buyer could call in. So that’s a big plus in our column.

The Venture Law merger messed us up bad. One of their asso­ciates, Marcia Bruggeman–Hatch went Infaligrante at the Ritz, and had sex with her bi-sexual boyfriend over there in the “exec­u­tive con­fer­ence facil­i­ties”– did I men­tion that we’re a big sup­porter of same sex mar­riages cause that’ll gen­er­ate more fees for lawyers cause it expands the address­able mar­ket for divorces… that’s what our busi­ness devel­op­ment guys told me to put in here. So that’s a plus in our column.

BTW– if you want her pho­tos from their “inspec­tion of the exec­u­tive con­fer­ence facil­i­ties at the Ritz,” we can talk about that with Ms. Buggerdman… “Cecilia: I need the Whiteout again. Thanks! You’ve got your hand­bag. Are you going for your ‘nooner’ with Seamus? Which con­fer­ence room are you in? I’m get­tin’ my nails done at three for my date with Frank tonight. So if you aren’t back by then I’ll see ya tomor­row..” Bruggeman-Hatch. Obviously her pho­tos will cost ya more than his cause her’s are a lot racier. But we recov­ered from that. So that’s another plus in our column.

They “hired” a big time mouth piece. Miles Ehrlich Esquire. Superman cloaked as a “roley– poley,” trial lawyer. Turns out that Goodwin guy, who says we helped steal all of the assets of his com­pany, Barra Partners, and that we breached our fidu­ciary duties, etcetera had reported the nar­cotics traf­fick­ing, bribery, money laun­der­ing, fraud and other crim­i­nal stuff to Mr. Ehrlich, on May 9, 2005 while he was the head of the White Collar Crime Division at the U.S. Attorney’s office in San Francisco. We were try­ing to keep it a secret that Mr. Ehrlich is Ms. Bruggeman-Hatch’s crim­i­nal defense attor­ney but some­body must have let it slip. But Mr. Ehrlich gave money to Osama too so maybe he’ll get one of them “your excused” let­ters signed by the President that rich guys get when they give gobs of money to build a library… “my brother-in-law could sure use one of them but he hasn’t got any money so he’ll have to stay in prison a few more years.” If roly-poly Superman can’t get that Goodwin guy to shut up then I’ll bet Ms. Bruggeman-Hatch’s nar­cotics traf­fick­ing guy will. It costs a lot to bribe an Assistant U.S. Attorney. So that’s a BIG PLUS in our column.

Believin’ the bulls on Wall Street wouldn’t stop run­ning …”guess Wall Street’s like that place in Spain where they have bull races… their ver­sion of NASCAR..”. we over­staffed and over­paid our part­ners. Unfortunately, the mort­gage mess those greedy Wall Street invest­ment bankers caused, has pinched us too. Our fees from stock deals have plum­meted cause of them. And as a result most of our part­ners have seen the value of their houses in Marin County and Palm Springs and Napa Valley and Santa Barbara go way down. Some of em’ even have mort­gages. Yeah they got gored. But it will all come back– it’s a cycle ya know. So we delayed the start date for new asso­ciates until January… 2009 or 2010. Don’t remem­ber which. Savin’ money! So that’s a plus in our column.

Did I men­tion there’s the pos­si­bil­ity of a teensy weensy anti-trust suit against the firm for enter­ing into a secret agree­ment with other law firms not to sue each other for mal­prac­tice, breach of fidu­ciary duty, fraud, and stuff like that? But the pos­si­bil­ity of an anti-trust suit or even an inves­ti­ga­tion is nil because we spend big bucks “donat­ing” to polit­i­cal par­ties and politi­cians, not to men­tion, the head of the Disciplinary Committee of the State Bar of California is friends with some of the folks here and they know some other big wigs at the CalBar and the California Attorney General so they’d never think of piss­ing off our part­ner­ship by ini­ti­at­ing a “friv­o­lous” inves­ti­ga­tion into how we screw our clients and then obstruct them from suing us. So that’s a plus in our column.

See why it pays to be a lawyer and not a doc­tor or an accoun­tant or a den­tist or psy­chol­o­gist. It would do them no good to col­lide with other firms or pro­fes­sion­als not to sue each other. So those types of firms are much less valu­able than us. So that’s a BIG PLUS in our col­umn too.

We might have another itsy bitsy prob­lem too. We rep­re­sent Sonosite (NASDAQ: SONO) in their patent infringe­ment lit­i­ga­tion with GE. Well some­body found out that we’ve also rep­re­sented GE cause we put it on our Wikipedia page and a cou­ple of part­ners had GE as their client on our web­site too. So if we lose that lit­i­ga­tion to GE then Sonosite’s share­hold­ers are gonna think we sold em’ down the river and they’re gonna be real mad at us. And you’re not gonna believe this but that Goodwin guy who says we screwed him and his com­pany out of $25 mil­lion plus, well his first cousin, Kevin Goodwin, is the CEO of Sonosite. But since we signed that agree­ment with a bunch of other law firms not to sue each other and have a lot of big time politi­cians, attor­neys gen­eral and judges in our pocket Sonosite’s greedy share­hold­ers shouldn’t be a prob­lem. So that’s really a plus in our column.

We got our­selves in to a spate of trou­ble over telling Qualcomm to with­hold bunches of emails in their lit­i­ga­tion against Broadcom. But them emails would of sunk our client’s case and they paid us mil­lions to win even though we lost any­way. But I don’t think we’ll get fined or have to pay any of our legal fees back cause we got lots of low friends in high places. So that’s another plus in our column.

We’ve been shop­ping around for a buyer for awhile. We were talk­ing to Baker McKenzie but those talks were a bust. They made all our attor­neys take a quiz about ethics or morals or some­thing like that. I didn’t hear what the results were but I did lis­ten in on the call where they broke up with us and the big boss over there said some­thing about if they’d given the quiz in true false for­mat instead of mul­ti­ple guess he thought the scores would have been much higher– maybe even dou­ble. So that’s a plus in our column.

Now were low on cash and with gas prices the way they are everybody’s com­plain­ing that we’re los­ing clients and it costs a lot to fill our Bentleys, Jaguars, Lamborghinis, BMWs, Rolls, Ferraris, Mercedes, etcetera. We placed a freeze in the employee lounge on 18 year old Chivas and cham­pagne that costs over $250 per bot­tle and Cuban cig­ars we have smug­gled in to the coun­try; and we’re only hos­ing down the con­fer­ence rooms once a week so we’re sav­ing water too—GOIN’ GREEN!!! We also made a deal with a guy to buy Porches which get much bet­ter mileage… DOUBLE GREEN. So that’s a big plus in our column.

To sum it up, cash is tight because of those greedy invest­ment bankers on Wall Street and the gas prices and our top lawyers keep leav­ing and the few screw ups we’ve had. Butt, we’ve gussied up all the con­fer­ence rooms. Had the con­fer­ence tables san­i­tized and are ready to sell.

Price: Well we need $90 mil­lion or so, to com­pen­sate that Goodwin guy, because we helped Marcia Hatch err… Marcia Bruggeman–Hatch’s hus­band Seamus and his part­ner to steal all of the assets of Barra Partners and put em’ in Arian Strategic Finance. I think that’s about the same amount we had to pay to the share­hold­ers of eCom­pare because another one of our unsu­per­vised asso­ciates destroyed that com­pany a few years back so it must be the going rate. Anyway, if we could get a few bucks more than $90 mil­lion it would make every­body around here feel bet­ter and my boss says he’ll give me a commission.

“Frank could you proof this?”

“Looks good!

Just got the lat­est tally and we’re down to 637 lawyers so change the num­ber but leave the brack­ets because our head count is chang­ing by the hour.”

“How bout I have Seamus Hatch and Michael Bock over there at Arian Strategic Finance, steal some pho­tos and pro­fes­sional biogra­phies off other law firm’s web­sites; then I’ll have tech sup­port cre­ate email accounts for em’ and we’ll put em’ on our web­site so we’ll look big­ger and be more valuable?”

“Good idea! Here are the rest of my comments…

I don’t know if I’d use the phrase “breed­ing ground” to describe us. Consider chang­ing that.

It’s the Democratic party not the Democrat party. So change that.

Oh take the name of the firm out.

You mis­spelled Bruggeman but got it right the sec­ond try so delete the first one.

In the inter­est of full dis­clo­sure, you might tell buy­ers that Marcia Bruggeman mar­ried her bi-sexual boyfriend Seamus Hatch and changed her name to Marcia Hatch.

It’s Obama not Osama.

You mean Presidential Pardon not a “your excused letter.”

I think you’re refer­ring to Porsches so change that.

I think you mean col­lude instead of collide

Is it Arian Strategic Finance or Aran Strategic Finance?

You mean but with one t instead of two.

Make those changes and it’s good to go.”

“Whoops! I acci­dently pressed the post button…”

[Originally posted September 16, 2008]

650, 649, 648,…639 Lawyer Law Firm 4 Sale, 5.0 out of 5 based on 2 rat­ings